So Maybe I Do Always Fill The Void? .....

Today is my day off and its been a pretty relaxing one at that. This morning I got up early and went to the mall with Erin, Alyssa and Zoie! :) We took Zoie to toddler time to jump on the moonwalks. It sucked because they wouldn't let all three of us in for free, so I got to wander around the mall while Erin and Alyssa got to watch Zoie play. Oh well, at least she had fun! :) Then we took Erin to class and then Alyssa, Zo and I went to Wendy's for lunch! When I got home I called the college and they said that I should be getting my award letter soon and that classes will start on January 10th. So that doesn't leave me much time to save up money for my deposit or get my loans together, but if you want something bad enough there is a way to get it done! So I am just gonna work hard to stay on top of things and make it happen! :P

I am so excited to finally be going to a school where I can actually study what I am going to get a degree in! Basic classes can kiss my ass! And so can community colleges! haha! I was missing out on so much! :P Now I can join the orchestra, or at least A ORCHESTRA of some sort, and get involved in clubs and such. I can't wait to step foot in the studio on campus and be behind a camera and a computer screen again! The thought of it makes me excited! :P I better start brushing up on my editing skills and my film vocab. ;)

So lets see, besides hearing about college and trying to get things situated, I've just been chillin' all day. I accidently over drafted my bank account on Friday, which sucks. And Ariel is being a damn beast right now and getting into anything and everything she possibly can and I have to keep scolding her every five seconds or swatting my hands at her to get her away from my computer wires or my movie shelf. Gahhhh. Why must she be so frickin' bi-polar? >.< My ears are still super infected from my tapers/plugs and I had to take them out completely. They seem to be healing a bit and are scabbing over, but its really hard not to pick at them. And it makes me mad that I can't sport my rainbow plugs anymore! I worked hard to stretch them big enough and paid a lot of money to get to a size 6. GRRR!

On the bright side, I am happy for my bestfriend/friendmate Erin! :P She got a new car today! YAY! I'm happy for her! Its nicer than my car! haha. Gonna have to make her take me for a ride. ;) WOOO! GO ERIN! :D Erin with wheels? Thats sexy! haha. YAY for vehicles and best friends!

I am loving the fact that I didn't work today, but DREADING work tomorrow.... >.< I have to get up and be to work by 11. Which lately I haven't even been getting out of bed until at least 11:30-12:30 and then I work a 10 hour shift as well tomorrow! I love the hours that I am getting because I need all the money I can get right now, but the thing that sucks is that I also have to work with someone who slacks all night tomorrow. GRRR! Its frustrating having to stay over for an hour after I'm scheduled because he can't just seem to do his job right! I understand that he is newer, but sheesh, he's been there long enough now ( 2 or 3 months, give or take?) to know what to do and how to do things. It shouldn't take fifty questions, or babysitting or take an hour to do something as simple as stick some chicken in a tub and put it in the freezer. It takes me about a minute and a half tops! >.< Oh well, I will save the bitching about working with him until tomorrow. I am hella bored and want to try and enjoy the rest of my night. :P

Ariel is trying to get something outside, she keeps jumping up at the window, I can hear Grandma downstairs making dinner and my friendmate said she might be free to hangout later! YAY! :D So now I just need to find something worthwhile to do with my time before dinner. haha. Maybe I'll make a family on the Sims? I haven't played that in forever! Or write another song? I started to write one earlier. It doesn't have a name yet but its about how I always need to fill the void and kinda jump from one relationship to the next. I really need to cut that habit out. And I KNOW that its true, I DO do it. I DO like to fill the void so I don't feel so alone, however there IS also that one person who I love and will probably always love no matter what. That doesn't exactly help the void filling dilemma. haha. Its gotten better over time, but then there are those times where she says or does something and I'm just like *sigh* why can't I be the one she loves? haha. I'm a weirdo, I know. >.<

Oh well, it happens I supposse. Here's what I have written so far...

So Maybe I do always fill the void
Until my heart, my mind, is dismantled and destroyed
Maybe my biggest fear is being left alone
Maybe I'll never get through this story left untold

And there's not always tomorrow
Sometimes theres just today
There's not always an answer
Or an easy way
Cause when it comes to love
Its such a crazy game
Its not always clear
Sometimes we're the ones who get played

I try to find an answer
A reason things go wrong
Why we embrace the ones who hate
And turn away the ones who love
But its not always that easy
I suck at making up my mind
I am terrible. I'm my own worst enemy at times.

^So thats what I have so far.... its a work in progress. Its basically just talking about how I always need someone or something to fill the void in my life, my mind and my heart when all of my relationships end. I always end one and start another or find something or someone to focus on to fill that void. I don't know why I do it, I guess to not feel so alone.... I know that its a bad habit that I eventually need to break. But at the same time I feel content. I feel content feeling the void. Especially with a certain person... idk. Maybe I am just crazy.

There are also parts of the song that kind of dwell on another situation I became a part of yesterday. A friend who has strong feelings for me, but I do not see her as more than a friend. That has never really happened to me dealing with someone from the same sex. I mean, with guys its always easy cause I can just be like Umm hello lesbian! I only see you as a friend, but to tell this girl that I wasn't feeling the same way was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I do NOT like hurting people. I care too much about people's feelings. Thats a disposition of mine I guess. I know how it feels to be let down, because usually it is ME who girl's are turning down, and I don't know as much as it hurts I would almost rather be the one being told no, because at least then I don't have to hurt innocent sweet people's feelings.

I mean, this girl not only told me she liked me, but told me I was beautiful. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone you don't feel the same way about them, when they are cracking out words like BEAUTIFUL? OUCH! That hurts me probably almost as much as it hurt her. I feel bad, but she seems to be pretty understanding of the matter so I really hope that we can just remain good friends because I enjoy hanging out with her and playing music together.

Wow, that is a lot to rant about in one blog post! I am sorry to whoever is reading this and is now bored or extremely confused because there is so much covered in one blog. I really need to stop doing that. I feel like my last few blogs recently have been all over the place. :P Guess thats just where I am in life right now. Things will calm down eventually. Right now, me and life are just very much on the go! ...Not that its a bad thing. There is just a lot to figure out and get done and little time to do it in. But for now, I am going to stop ranting and find something else productive to do while I wait for my beautiful friendmate to hopefully text me back so we can hangout! ^_^