Why is it that whenever you aren't looking for someone and are finally starting to feel okay with being alone somebody pops into your life in the most coincidental and amazing way possible and make such a huge impact on everything? Why is it that when you start to spend more time with them and can feel yourself starting to care about them a great deal that its then things suddenly fall apart and come crashing down around you like a brick to the head unexpectedly? Why is it that every time you hold so closely onto fear and are afraid to let go and just be comfortable in your own skin and with that person that when you finally DO let go it all just turns around and blows up in your face a few days later leaving you to feel like a fool for trying so hard in the first place?
Why is it that when we risk everything and give everything though sometimes we start out with little to nothing we still end up getting hurt in the end no matter how brave and strong we try our best to be? Why is it that every person I start to like always tells me the same thing and then walks away and that the one girl who I finally find who fits so many things I have been looking for ends up ending things too, but NOT in the same way everyone else has. I'm not sure which sucks more! Being told that you are too clingy by every ex you've ever had or being told by this new girl that its nothing you did, its timing and compatibility more than anything else. Either way, it still hurts.
So now I will sit here driving myself crazy and thinking what could I have done or said differently to possibly change the dreaded outcome of this? What could I have done to make this hurt a little less in the end? And is there even anything that could or will change this? The sad reality is the answer is probably not. She has made up her mind and I am just going to have to deal. Dealing can kiss my ass! As sick as I am of trying I do not regret it because everything has been amazing and had I just had this pessimistic heartbroken attitude and chip on my shoulder that I always carry around I never would have met this amazing, beautiful, smart, intelligent, funny, passionate woman to begin with. It just sucks because when I FINALLY find someone who IS good enough for me, and actually even exceeds those expectations I feel that I have lost her before we've even begun.
I admire her honesty and maturity and the fact that she didn't want to lead me on and only hurt me more in the end but at the same time if I wasn't willing to risk being hurt I wouldn't have put so much into it to begin with and wouldn't have said yes in the first place. I wasn't sure how long we would last, but I was at least hoping it'd be more than a few weeks. I can't help but wonder if this is all too soon? If things were given more of a chance and we both had more time to spend with each other if things would be different. It seems that back when we first met there was more time spent going out together, etc. and although there were not major sparks there was a bit more romance, or excitement.
I still remember our first kiss and how sexy it was. I still remember her surprising me with a single rose and a card and the cute nervous smile on her face as she blushed. Where the hell did that all go in the past few weeks? I partly blame myself even though reasoning tells me its stupid to. My mind still tries to come up with all of these other reasons and how and why it MUST be my fault. I am trying to stay calm about everything but the truth is this hurts bad and it sucks and I already have a million and one other problems caving in around me and it would have been nice to just have her there for me at the end of the day. I haven't even been away from her for a full day but I miss her arms wrapped around me and I miss her voice and I regret the fact that I didn't kiss her goodbye this morning all because I hadn't brushed my fucking teeth.
I wish that I didn't get so damn mopey and obsessive about things. Today at work all I kept thinking about was my stupid cat and her damn fleas and how I need to get rid of her but really don't want to because I love her far too much. Now I am sitting here still worrying about that, and bills and the furnace acting up and everything else but YAY! Now I get to worry about being single again and losing one of the best things thats ever happened to me. :( Oh joy! Let my crazy mind start working its wonderful magic and see me fall apart. I seriously drive myself crazy thinking and worrying. I am so pissed at myself and its confusing because I really don't even know why. I feel like a fool for caring and for trying again just to get hurt but at the same time feel mad at myself for thinking such things because it was all amazing and she is amazing. I guess I am mad at myself because I don't feel good enough. I wanted to be good enough for her and for things to work. I feel like due to busy schedules and fear due to past hurts etc. and my stupid anxiety and stressful living situations and financial situations etc. that it has epicly shoved a big FML in my face!
Even now I drive myself crazy with this rambling on and on repeating myself and my thoughts and my pessimistic views. But I feel that I have so many mixed emotions right now and that the only way I EVER get anything out in a successful way is through writing or typing it out. Sorry for boring whoever decides to read this. I just needed to vent about what a confused, sad mess I am. The thing that sucks the worst is that I know I will get through this! I have been through much worse and that is the hardest part about breaking up. It doesn't matter how many things I have been through that don't even begin to compare to the hurt I am feeling right now, It still doesn't make losing someone or something important to you any easier. So now its time to put on a fake smile, keep busy and get back on flea patrol. Eventually this hurt will begin to mend but the weird thing is I almost don't want it to. Because I am sick of trying just to get hurt again and I am not willing to accept the fact that this is over just yet because my feelings are still too strong. So for now I just need to slow my roll and stay calm and figure shit out no matter how bad it sucks and accept the stupid but optimistic fact that "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" and just roll with the punches.
Yet somehow I am skeptical and nervous and afraid and a million and one other things because I swear life and love like to make me their full time bitch and dance me around like a finger puppet and then poke fun at my hurt. Oh well, shit happens and life goes on. I just wish that I didn't have to be strong and keep pushing forward. It gets tiresome after so many years. So here goes, back to life, back to bills, back to being miserable and single. Here's to the future. It'll take time but I'll get where I want to be eventually.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment