Another day, another dollar, another flea.

I work today 3-9 and just finished up some freelance writing online. So yay for money! However I feel that all my life consists of anymore for the past few days is work, work, and cleaning for fleas! I am seriously at my wits end with Ariel! I love her to death but these fleas are wearing me out and she is driving me crazy staying up and chewing everything at night and being all rambunctious. I tell her that I am going to buy a crate and take her ass to a no kill shelter but then I wakeup a few hours later after finally passing out and find her cuddling with me and purring and acting all cute. What is a crazy cat mother to do? :(

So anyways here I am a few hours left til I have to be to work and I am bored and lonely and going stir crazy. I know that I should write a bit more but am really frustrated with one of the sites I have been using a lot lately because I requested pay out about a week ago and still have not seen a penny. I guess they have weird dates or times that they actually send out money so I am just trying to wait things out for now and be patient but I am kind of skeptical to keep busting my ass writing if I am never going to get paid for it.

Writing always helps me release emotions that I keep bottled up and it helps me to pass the time and keep my mind busy however today I just don't feel in the mood to write anymore at this moment. I have to work later and then am helping Laurin with her video and then probably coming home to write some more and try to keep from throwing my cat outside. I wish that my life consisted of more than work and fleas. I feel that thats all I have anymore. I try to make plans with friends and they just flake out and say they forgot or whatever. I give up. I can't wait until this pain subsides because it is ridiculous that here I am again for the millionth time in a matter of months.

Perhaps I really SHOULD just give up on dating altogether. It just sucks because I was FINALLY starting to be okay with being single! I was in love with life and the way things were going for me and then BAM! This wonderful girl falls into my life and right in front of my face and I started to fall for her, just to get it taken away from me a few weeks later when my feelings started to progress more! Story of my life! Yep, story of my life and it is beginning to get old. When will this nonsense end? When will my best be good enough for somebody? I am sick of being hurt when I reach out to someone and let them in and let them start to get to know me. I am sick of revealing so much of myself so soon but can't help it, thats just me. And then after its all over I sit here and blame myself and think why the hell did I just do that? I yell at myself in my head "You stupid fool! You knew it would come to this! It always does!" I shouldn't have let myself become so co-dependent and vulnerable! But as mentioned before this is my frickin downfall every time!

I thought I was doing a great job distancing myself enough to not get super hurt if things DID end and I was doing a really good job at not being clingy. But now that its all over I feel that I didn't do such a good job as I thought. Because when I am not busy at work waiting on impatient customers or at home busy cleaning up and killing fleas by the dozen I realize just what my days have been reduced to. Last night I walked around the mall by myself and then sat in a parking lot for well over an hour. Really? How lame is that? I need to re prioritize things again in my life. Every time I get it down someone comes along to push it all away. This whole thing just sucks because I had so many hopes for us and for my future independently as well. I don't see why that had to get put to waste so soon? I feel like this wasn't even given a fair chance. Its hard to get on a more personal level with someone when both parties are always busy or stressed.

And its hard to open up when you know that you are both afraid of getting hurt. There are so many things I felt that I held back on to try and protect her and to take things slow. and now I sit here and regret it all and wonder if I should have just said and did everything I felt. Perhaps if I had I wouldn't be in this broken predicament. So yeah neither one of us felt major fireworks right away. Sometimes that sorta thing takes time. I hate how movies and society have distorted good, healthy, relationships! There have been plenty of people I felt sparks with right away! and you know where those people are now? well let me tell you, after fucking me over royally, spending all my money, time and energy and ripping my heart out of my ass just to play me again and again, I don't really know or care where they are now. Soooo you still want sparks? I say give things time! The last girl I was sorta dating, I didn't feel sparks with right away. It took time to get to know her and then after that and a few times of making out the sparks appeared. Hell the last girl I dated that I DID feel major sparks with fucked up my heart and took all my money and time and continued to use me until I finally nipped it in the bud.

Why is it that everybody gives up on something that could be good for them in the end and would rather keep searching for something in all the wrong places? Even I am a victim of this until recently. I thought that this girl was different! Actually I know that she is! she is sweet and caring and passionate and has so much going for her. I thought that for once I had found someone who actually deserves me and vice versa but now I wonder if I am good enough for her or for anyone else. I hate how low my self esteem is and how my depression and bi-polar and OCD tend to get the best of me. I feel like my anxiety and stress lately scared her away. I want to punch myself in the face or run a hundred miles or scream at the top of my lungs or play the hell out of my viola. Anything to get rid of these bottled up emotions that I can't seem to escape no matter how hard I try.

Even now here I sit rambling on and on and I don't even know if this all makes sense when you read it back. All I know is that blogging about it helps. It eases the pain momentarily. Until the keyboard stops moving and I snap back to reality. I have to remind myself to keep eating, keep up with personal hygiene, keep socializing, keep sleeping and resting, keep laughing. Life shouldn't feel this hard sometimes and I wish I didn't let things affect me the way I do but thats just me. I open up, I get hurt, I move on, I get over it, I repeat the process all over again. Each time the cuts getting deeper and the months spent with the person growing shorter.

Right now I am about to lose my patience! My Grandma is outside cleaning a window and Ariel will not stop jumping up on the counter to look out at her. Seriously, does anybody want a fucking cat? I have HAD IT! I cannot play babysitter to a damn animal all day long! She is a year and a half old now and should know better by now! I love her but I am going to have a head full of gray hair by the time I am 22! Will somebody PLEASE help me figure out how to kill these damn fleas, calm down my cat or physically take her from my arms and give her to a good home so that my stress levels can go down and I can reduce my chances of having a heart attack early on in life? That'd be great!

I am going stir crazy in this fucking house with this crazy cat and I wish my Grandma would get her ass back in the house so I can leave without having to worry about her falling again. She shouldn't be out their cleaning windows but she doesn't listen to anybody and is stubborn as hell. She has been sweeping the same spot on the porch for about 10 minutes now. Pretty sure its clean. GRRRR

Live, Love, Learn, Move on. Story of my life. Time to put on a strong face and a fake smile and start my day. Thanks for letting me rant Blog. At least you will never let me down. :)