I am exhausted. It seems that all I do anymore is work and come home to clean for fleas. I can't believe how many there have been lately and I don't know if that means it is getting better or getting worse. There are a lot of them upstairs but they are babies and they move so damn quick you can't catch them or hardly even see them until they are on you biting away. I worked today 11-3 and then came home to clean and de-flea Ariel from 5:00-11:30. The only good thing about all the cleaning is that I am getting some awesome abs from vacuuming and constantly bending over to clean! haha. Richard Simmons eat your fucking heart out! The down side to it besides being tired? I am losing too much weight from always moving around and I can't really afford to lose weight. haha. I mean sure its nice to get rid of the tiny bit of flab on my stomach but all of my clothes are getting way too big and they fall right off without a belt.
I am going to have to start eating a ton more after I clean. That or go shopping for new clothes once I can afford to splurge a little. I wouldn't mind a new wardrobe anyways. :P Right now almost every single article of clothing I own is in my trunk to take to the laundry mat on Sunday since I have the day off. Woo, my life is so fucking exciting anymore. I know the suspense and thrills are just too much. (Rolls eyes) Today not only did I vacuum for about 4 hours straight, I also vacuumed out every single shoe I own. thats aboout 50+ shoes! Fleas can seriously kiss my white lesbian ass! They are the anti-Christ.
So anyways I am sorry for anyone bored enough to read this, these are a good 10 or 15 minutes of your life that you will never get back. So sorry! haha. Just feel that I could use a good rant. Hmm lets see what else can I rant about besides fleas? How about the fact that sweetest day is tomorrow?! Fuck sweetest day! I'm just another miserable single lesbian who has too big of a heart and cares for all the wrong reasons just to end up hurt every time! And Sweetest day is just another bullshit hallmark holiday created to make couples spend money and buy into consumerism. Okay, rant about sweetest day complete. Next topic? Women!
I seriously do not understand them at all! And you think that I would since I AM ONE! But nope! Apparently I don't have ESP going for me anymore these days. And apparently I have no "game" either. People say this jokingly to me but I am actually starting to believe it and feel socially awkward and just frustrated and incompetent with my self esteem and intimacy. I am so sick of trying to figure people out and I am tired of dating and trying and giving my all just to get hurt every time. I am sick of feeling misled and I am sick of wasting my time and energy when I really have little to give in the first place since I have been hurt so many f'n times in the past. I am sick of everybody taking advantage of my kindness and my willingness to make my life an open book. All it ever does is allow someone to come in read the pages and then shit all over them. Fuck that.
Lets see what else am I sick of? I am sick of emotions! Yep! I said it! I am sick of caring when I know I shouldn't! I am sick of closure happening just to have the scars ripped back open brutally every time my life starts to change for the better and I am sick of feeling this way! I recently talked to my ex because I am trying to find a home for my cat. Even though I still debate on whether I will actually be able to get rid of Ariel once the time comes, but that debate we will save for another day. Anyways the issue here about talking to my ex is that it created some closure that was definitely needed. However it also made all of these old feelings reemerge to the surface. And I am not quite sure what to do with them or how to feel about the fact that I am having them in the first place.
Logic tells me so many things, but seriously...it is so hard to date somebody for x amount of years and be friends for x amount of years and have things go so horribly wrong and it be the most painful, dramatic experience in your life, but at the same time to not care about that person still later when things are going bad for them. How do you go from loving someone for 4 years and planning on spending the rest of your life with them and having children with them to breaking up and then not caring at all? Its impossible NOT to care somewhat. I know that the relationship was a dead end and that is why I finally ended it. It was unhealthy for so many reasons and was pointless in the end. however I still blame myself for a lot of what went wrong in the beginning and think back to the good times and wonder if things had been different if they would have still ended this way or if things would be good between us and we would still be together and happy like we used to be back in high school when we first got together.
I am trying so hard not to buy into the mental traps that my mind is trying to play back and forth. But its hard because even though the relationship failed, I DO still care and a part of me will always care and wonder and wish that things could have been fixed on both parts. Logic tells me that its pointless and not to go back or whatever but then I find myself just missing the familiarity of it all. I think that is what makes me feel this way.... its having that someone to talk to, and knowing that when you are talking to them that they know you better than anyone else in this world and vice versa. Possibly better than you know yourself at times and that they get you, or at least got you at one point. They understood you. I miss that! I miss having someone "get" me! That is the thing that is missing from all of these new dating experiences that I have found myself in since last November.
I date women and I give so much of myself just to get nothing or little back in return. I find women who are all talk. They promise me the world than bring me to my knees and tear my world apart. Or they go back to their ex or use me for my kind gestures and money. They lead me on to think that they can offer me something when in their hearts or the back of their minds they know that it is something they just can't give. Soooo I find myself wondering WHY!? Why do these fucking women bother in the first place? Why must I always find someone amazing just to have it all taken away from me as soon as things start to get good and feelings start to develop! Why is it that ANY TIME ANYTHING starts to go good for me 10 more things have to go bad to ruin it? Everything ALWAYS goes downhill for me whenever something good happens. I have grown accustomed to it and expect very little.
EXCEPT when it comes to love. For some reason even though I always feel jaded and skeptical and I tell myself to slow my roll and stop giving so much in fear that it will not be returned, no matter how hard I try I cannot STOP caring for people the way that I do... It is just in my nature to care too much I guess. I have a good heart and I care about people! I want to put others before myself ALWAYS and that is the problem! I need to learn how to make ME my number one priority! But I feel that every time I start to get on track with that someone or something else comes along to louse it up again! BLAH! This blog is a pity party and a bitch and a half. WTF?
Does all this ranting even make sense when you read it back? Who knows? Anyways, it made me feel a little better to get it off of my chest! At least I know what I mean and how I feel and who I am talking about and what I am talking about and that is all that matters I guess.
Tomorrow is another day and things will hopefully start to look up I guess. I should be hearing back from Adrian College any day now about my financial aid so that will be awesome! :) For now I will just go back to sulking and protesting sweetest day! Rant to be continued.....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment