Unobtainable

Stuck in this pit
Of torture and shit
Nowhere to go but obsessed or drawn in
Retreat to routine
The only way to resemble
An actual human being
So hard to wake up
So hard to maintain
Why does everything seem so impossible to obtain?

This is my life
Just a lonely old dyke
Must have nothing better to do with my
Pathetic, useless, T I M E

You call yourself “friends”
But the fairy tale has come to an end
And now the truth is there staring me square in the face

Same shit, different day, have to slowly die to get paid
No other way to survive day to day
So you suck it all up and put on a fake happy face
But some days you just can’t try
Its too hard to get by
So you fucking snap in the blink of an eye

You’re so worthless, pathetic, nothing left to achieve,
Everything is so unobtainable and probably always will be.
Such a useless excuse for an education
Working so hard to put yourself further in debt as you struggle with the anxiety and constant hesitation.
Waiting, waiting, all your life is waiting.
Fretting, pacing, all your life you’re wasting.
Complaining, complaining, all you do is complain.
Worry and obsess, and wither slowly away.

Contemplate life, contemplate purpose,
Contemplate every fucking thing until you’re left
feeling worthless.

Nothing left to try, and there’s nothing left to give.
This is the sad excuse for a life that you live.
Are you truly living if you’re numb to the touch?
Cold metal on your skin and its still not enough.
There is nothing, there is nothing, the feeling is gone.
You slowly weep until the tears you’ve forced yourself to cry start to dry, and then you’re stuck wondering why you even try, you even try.

When everything is so unobtainable, every dream, every hope.
You feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, you start to choke.
Every moment, every day, every fleeting thing you say,
Every time you choose to let anxiety push you away.

That’s what you do, its what you’ve done, you’ve done it all your life.
Push away the ones you love, keep everything at a distance.
Close yourself off to being vulnerable, its much better this way.
SAFE.

Yes, its safe. Or so you tell yourself.
Play with emotions like a doll and put them back on the shelf.

You cry and you cry and you bitch and complain,
And no matter how much you nag it never eases the pain.
You’re destroying every single thing that you love,
You’re too absorbed in the anxiety, the obsessions, its like a drug.

You’re addicted to being miserable with no hope of escape.
Its been this way for 24 years, long ago you sealed your fate.
You haven’t a chance.
To OBTAIN.

Misery loves company, and that company is me.
Such a sad, sorry excuse for a human being.
No feeling left in me, just a bitter, angry fool.
I played with your emotions, I’m such a fucking tool.

Working towards nothing, and a dead end degree.
I’ll probably never have what I’ve set out to achieve.
A family of my own, a marriage like everyone else,
A career as a film editor, a really nice house.

I will succumb to my biggest fear,
DEATH.
And still I will have
never
OBTAINED.