More Poetry & Songs

Just a few more poems and songs I've written at one time or another.

Housekeeper

Same old shit, different day
Kill yourself at work just to barely get paid
You try and you try to get on top
But every time you almost make it
Something else comes along to knock you back off.

You take care of your flowers better than you take care of yourself
Find some meaningless task to consume you to try and escape this hell.
But there's still only so much one person can take
You don't meet the qualifications so now you sit here sore and ashamed.
The sun beating down, you can feel the heat on your socks
Wishing it would burn you, just scorch down and take off.
Anywhere but here, life's becoming too much to bare.
You feel fucking useless, can't connect with anyone or anything.
What a waste of space, such a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Stale Nothings

Intimacy so foreign
Conversations just boring
Its the same old song and dance
we've been playing for two years
Pay each other compliments
Build a little confidence
But hold on, hold on,
don't let it go to your head.

Lets spit venomous words
then let them hang in the air
As stale as this relationship
with nothing left to fall back on.
Dust off these emotions, then place them back on the shelf.
They might be useful to mention next time, as you burn every bridge to hell.

My words are like daggers
I throw to tear you down.
Your tone is condescending, your words are so loud.
So loud that I can't hear them,
So loud that I refute them....
and you.
Lets keep playing house
until we burn it to the ground.

I know I don't make you happy
You know I can't keep from nagging
So why do we keep pretending,
Keep going on this way?
I used to be so charming
Now you find me so alarming
You used to be so interesting
Now I find myself drifting,
away or asleep, its really all the same.

Please tell me why this should matter.
Why do we both continue to bother,
Trying to mold clay that will never take form.
So you lay in bed crying, as I fall asleep, slowly dying.
My self dignity decaying like the rest of my pathetic being.

Parasite

So parasitic,
what an embarrassment,
feeding on host after host all of your days.
Letting them define you, strip and demean you,
Til your nothing but an empty shell, just fading away.

Slithering, withering, seeping, creeping,
such a disgrace, oh what a shame.
Too disgusted to even look yourself in the mirror,
Afraid of your own reflection, full of guilt,
Too ashamed.

Consuming, abusing, you're losing all of the time,
You shouldn't let it affect you still,
but it does and it probably always will.
How do you kill something so ingrained in your veins?
It builds and it boils, escalating,then escaping,
and here you stand naked, foot in your mouth again.
Stripped of all dignity, flesh pink and rippling.
The monster trying its best to break free, as you sit helpless,so defenseless,
A naked shame for all to see,
vulnerable and green.

Prickish and mean, heartless, obscene,
with nobody to understand as the voices build in your head with all of the maybes and what if's,
and the worries and the dont's, all the checking and re-checking, and the counting, endless doubting,
accuracy matters in most cases and it controls your fucking life,
as your wasting, slowly pacing, in front of a stove for the billionth time.
Is it off? The knob just so?
But what if its still on? Gotta check, or the house might burn down to the ground,
and now you're stressing, running late, head is pounding, losing track of the days...
They're all the same.
Wake up, coffee, feed and dress, work like a slave, come home, re-dress, sleep and piss,
drive, drive, drive, go get "educated", drive, piss, sleep, worry, fret, fret, fret, fall back asleep.
Headache, pill, pill, grumble, then back to bed, wake up much to your dissatisfaction to the loud alarm
just to do it all again,
the life of an embarrassing parasite,
hooked like a leech in your skin.


Cluster Fuck

Friendless, dependent on anxious thoughts and household chores.
Neurotic and numb, I've seen it all before.
So jaded and complaintive, can't ever be pleased.
I even annoy myself with the things you do that bother me.
When I lose my patience and snap so often, I hate myself at the same time,
With every bone cracking knuckle or wrong movement, I start to speak then slowly die inside.

I can't stand this constant pressure
or the pain I feel inside.
I can't stand to know the reason that you aren't living a happy life.
I lock myself away to the outside world and for good reason,
They dislike me anyways.
Me and my stupid foot in my mouth, me and my racing thoughts,
anxious in the corner, quickly shaking my foot.

I don't make nice easily, and its like pulling teeth to make friends,
The longer I inhabit this earth, the more desperate I feel for it all to end.
The more enlightened I become, the harder it is to relate,
The more I talk to people, the easier it is to hate.
Slowly but surely, I start to lose the few friends I had,
and as lonely as it gets, sometimes I don't even feel bad.

Sometimes laying under covers feels better than getting out of bed.
Sometimes I need to clean like a maniac, just to get out of my dirty head.
I think sometimes if it wasn't for my cat, I would surely just end it all,
how pathetic I must sound,
An awkward cluster fuck,
Destined to be alone.

Hoarder

Just like thrifted belongings, I hoard emotions and the past.
I let it consume me and tear me apart.
I welcome the guilt with certainty, certainty that it belongs to me.
I am justified in feeling so, at least that's what I tell myself, and make it so.

I deserve to be guilty,
I deserve bad luck,
I deserve to be a miserable, dirty, awkward fuck.
I deserve to be along, and I don't deserve you.
I deserve your kindness, or all the thoughtful things you do.

I hoard your happiness, just steal it and lock it away.
I hoard your humanity, fucking shame on me.

Repulsive Me

Exhausted, compulsive, just one big fucking mess.
A cold hearted bitch, even when I'm at my best.
An embarrassment to myself, tainting everything I touch,
Its taken me 24 years and I'm still not capable of love.
A lot of the time I hate myself and want to die,
90% of my life I spend trying to apologize.
And even then I'm too ignorant to swallow my pride.
Its that fear of looking vulnerable, I push myself away.
If I don't let you in, there's nothing for you to take.

Try as I might, somehow I always fail,
I just don't know when to quit,
These emotions wither and die,
My words and their meanings so stale.
I don't deserve you or the kind things you do.
I'm an abusive prick, a snot, and a prude.
Low self esteem, and zero sex drive,
Fuck it, this is no kind of life.

So here we are, running in circles again,
Contemplate breaking up, making up and doing it all over again.

Bitch Is My Middle Name

I'm nothing but a grump,
A cold useless lump,
We can connect, and we can hump,
We can climb over all the bumps,
But still the truth remains,
I just must always be the same,
Maybe I just haven't the will to change,
Cause Bitch is my middle name.